Marcos Sandoval

PENIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My life has been spiraling downwards, it may have seemed that in the past two weeks nothing but bad news has been given to me, first there is a possibility that a close friend of mine might have schizophrenia and its affecting not only but a lot of close friends of mine as well. For some reason it brings back all my anxiety I once had before, the thought that has lead me to think that I am crazy, this thought has once invaded my mind, and has become a daily cycle that brings nothing but pain, and I’m left with emptiness and sorrow then after I become numb from the pain, and that thought is: “what if I hurt someone because I am crazy?”. Its scares me, in the past I came up with the conclusion that its fear that implanted these thoughts, and thinking and pondering about it feeds it and becomes even worse. Thus, I become spirituality connected with God, I read books about anxiety, and I tried my best to face my fears by getting closer to my love-ones and I knew it is impossible for me to hurt anyone, because It’s not in me. 

This friend has caused me a whole in me. It hurts to understand what is going on with him, at times I wish I could just enter his mind and see what is going on, but I know that its another reason, deep within him he is hurt, scared, and confused, and he can’t fight it and he needs my help. His way of thinking for some reason has caused me to think like him, Its an odd feeling, its almost like my heart is connected to his and I am able to feel what he is feeling. And to me its madness, confusion, and pure hate in his heart. That is why I’m hurting, because I cannot help, all I have is hope for him, hope that he will be better and somehow he is going to get the help he needs. 

Keep it inside, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much pain it gives you..keep it inside, its not worth saying anything if it only brings forth anger. All you do is move on. 

How do you know if a person is lying to you, or doing something that its not being honest? It’s as almost as he has lost interest in me, there is nothing I can do, if he honestly wants to move on or go with someone else I cannot stop him, my heart will be broken but I can move on. 

If only this could be true. Life would be easier if our race lived without pain, its a feeling that wastes my time, I hate it more than anything because with pain only negative emotions come with it. There is nothing we can do, every single person has to live with this curse embedded in our hearts. But, even though pain causes us to rip our hearts and scar us it allows us to grow and become stronger. It is because once we discover that surviving moments of purgatory we understand that we can survive anything. With pain comes growth and love to fill the scars. So, lets not be scared to open our hearts.  

I wouldn’t call it running away, I wouldn’t call it failure, and I wouldn’t call it running away from your fears. Fear works in a funny way, if you think about it clearly, fear works in miraculous ways, without them we wouldn’t be able to become stronger. Once you dominate your fears you become a better person, if you fail, it will make you even stronger once you move one. Always leave room for failure, people don’t become great people without failing at least 100 times. In other words, you have to fail a couple of times before you get it right, just don’t give up. By you “running away” you’re going to lose yourself, your mind, your being, and your going to find yourself all over again, your going to become a better person, I promise you this. People who travel change, they become aware, we look for answers while we search for answers while venturing off. It’s okay to be afraid, and its okay to take some time off, don’t rush it, take some time off and search yourself in a journey. Don’t worry you and I are on the same boat, we are both looking for ourselves deep inside, and most importantly, we have each other to help one another find ourselves.  

            My name is Marcos Sandoval, son of Maria Isabel Castaneda, Gavino Sandoval and brother of Adrian Sandoval, Rene Sandoval, and Santiago Sandoval. I was born May 8, 1991 and raised in Bakersfield California, a city covered by a cloud of smog and smothered by overwhelming heat in the summer and a chill that will have your skin turn purple in the winter. I was raised in the outskirts, a community dominated by Latinos. In all the elementary and middle schools that I attended it was common for students to be brought up by low income families, therefor in school my friends and I use to dream about having the latest technology and gaming councils out in the market, we usually spend our recess having discussions about how we wanted to the latest games for the PS1 but we our parents were never able to afford it. Being brought up from a community like mine, most of our hopes and dreams seemed more impossible than it was for someone from the rich side of the city. In high school, I use to spend a lot of time dreaming about moving out from my city and studying around the world, studying to be someone important in life. This dream was my one-way ticket out from dreadful city where helplessness can be uncovered in the eyes of my people. I was struck by overwhelming innovation in high school, I was always one of the ones to have the highest grades in all my classes; I was determined to use education to excel in life and to explore the world. My dream came true my senior year, I was accepted to CSUMB and other universities, but csumb was my number one choice because the thought of a small campus community with an inadequate amount of students in classrooms gave me a feeling of assurance that the campus would be a perfect setting for my apperception, cognizance, creativity and mind to amplify and mature. I took a chance regardless of the fact that some family members did not agree that I had to move to get an education, I didn’t care I wanted out and live on my own. My first year and a half was one of the best times of my life, living on my own experiencing new adventures with friends has changed me in many different ways, and it has made me independent and capable of making my own decisions. One great thing changed in my life that affected me greatly, I have always known that I wanted to live my life serving the people and I also wanted to travel the world by doing so. Venturing off in the world looking for questions and finding answers is my life’s destiny I believed the perfect way to indulge in this desire was to join the United States Navy, so I did the summer of 2010. My life came to a halt the day I stepped into boot camp, my motivation went from 100 to 0, I completely freaked out, and I was sent home. My life spiraled and plummeted to a dark hole; I felt like I failed for the first time, it destroyed me. It took me several months to get myself back on my feet and move on and go back to school. This experience has made me a different person, it has made me stronger, and it has allowed me to realize that things don’t go according to how you planned them. I have become spiritually connected to God and even more connected with my family and I am able to thank and feel blessed that this experience led me to someone that I love dearly every day of my life. I use to dread the feeling of my life shifting, but now I am thankful that it happened because I would never have the things that I have now. My dreams remain the same, I wish to serve people in social work, and I still have not yet decided if I want to go back into the military as an officer, but I have time, and I have many things to accomplish before I make my final decision once I graduate from here.